Each night, I have a cup of Yogi tea before bed. Yogi tea bags have paper tags with wise or thought provoking quotes printed on them. These paper tags have always been more fascinating than fortune cookies to me. But when I saw this one tonight, I flinched.
At first, it seemed to be written way too small. Retrieving my glasses it then appeared to be printed in Aramaic. At third glance, I knew this one was no accident.
See, it is not easy for me to trust. I don’t mean this in a dramatic I’ve been hurt so many times kind of way. I trust dogs, absolutely. Cats, mostly. People… hardly ever. People are self serving. People will let you down. People poke at the bruised places. People leave. People forget.
And when I say people, I mean myself. I take every opportunity to booby trap the most mundane aspects of my life. Because I know what disappointment feels like. I am more comfortable being uncomfortable.
I will attempt to explain this without sounding like I am auditioning for a part on a soap opera. Habitually when presented with the option of handling an issue right away, I will stall as long as possible not because I am lazy but because I know that stalling can trigger any number of unknown things to happen. I remain dishonest with myself and my loved ones about what a problem this poses. It is almost as if I am inviting trouble to be a permanent houseguest.
I have tumbled these words around my head a million ways trying to soften them. I am trying to make them more digestible by rearranging them and dissecting them.
I am left with this as my final thought: belief is the integration of understanding and honesty.